i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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