yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
not ubering you a puppy
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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