Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
