just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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