and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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