my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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