I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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