Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
why do cheetos always look like penises
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
