How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
