My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
