worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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