grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
