Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
