u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
