Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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