I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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