My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You pole danced in your parka.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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