it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
