Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

Fav 16 1174 6327
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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(301): View more from Maryland

so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.

Fav 7 787 1962
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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

Fav 10 1752 1164
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(513): View more from Ohio

Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

Fav 5 1215 783
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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's get the cat blown out

Fav 3 247 360
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.

Fav 0 15 17
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