Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
