I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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