Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
