It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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