i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
