i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
