I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dignity is for republicans.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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