I am spending my child support on dildos
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
