Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
