i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
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Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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