Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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