I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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