The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
