dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
