Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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