I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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