so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
