some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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