I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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