Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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