Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You pole danced in your parka.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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