Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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