its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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