we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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