A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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