That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
