he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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