Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
