Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she peed on how many people?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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