i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
