Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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