FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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