the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
