She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
