He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
