I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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