You just made me feel so damn special
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
