So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
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I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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