Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
