Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
