i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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