How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
